Why Going Home for the Holidays Is So Hard (Especially for Asian Americans)
The holidays are supposed to be joyful. Food, laughter, family, right?
But if you’re Asian American, going home doesn’t always feel like that. It can feel like stepping right back into your old role.
You might have told yourself, “I’m an adult now. I’ve got my own life. This year will be different.”
But then you walk through the door, and suddenly it’s like you’re a teenager again. The comments sting. Your voice disappears. You wonder why you ever thought it would be easier.
You dread the questions about your job, your relationship, your weight. You already know what’s coming—criticism disguised as concern, comparisons to cousins, expectations you never signed up for. You laugh it off while your stomach’s in knots, and by the end of the visit you’re completely drained.
Sound familiar?
If you’ve been reading this and thinking, “That’s me”—you’re not alone. If you feel confused, troubled, or stuck in old patterns every time you go home, I want you to know this isn’t your fault. These reactions are part of how you were taught to survive. And if you’re tired of feeling like you keep slipping back into the same cycle, I can help you make sense of it. Keep reading, and you’ll see why it feels so hard—and why you don’t have to stay stuck in it.
Why Holidays Hits So Hard for Asian Americans
1. Old Roles Snap Back Instantly
You might have thought you’d outgrown them—but the second you’re home, you’re back to being the fixer, the quiet one, the golden child. And here’s the thing: those roles don’t exist in isolation. From a family systems perspective, each role balances the others. If you’re the peacemaker, it only works because someone else is the instigator. If you’re the golden child, it often means a sibling got cast as the rebel. Parents lean on these dynamics too—sometimes siding with one child, sometimes playing one off the other—to keep the family equilibrium.
For example: maybe every time your brother argues with your dad, you find yourself stepping in to calm things down—even if you swore you wouldn’t. That one move shows how quickly the system pulls you back into place, even when you’re trying to stay out of it.
2. Your Body Goes on High Alert
Your shoulders tighten, your chest aches, you shut down or get irritable. This isn’t “just anxiety”—it’s your body bracing for impact from years of criticism and control.
For example: maybe you find yourself zoning out when the questions start at the dinner table, or suddenly snapping at something small because your nervous system is already maxed out.
3. You’re Still Chasing Approval
Cooking, cleaning, buying gifts—hoping for that one sign you’re enough. The problem is, chasing approval makes family gatherings so much harder—because you’re not just showing up to spend time together, you’re showing up with a hidden scoreboard in your head.
Every comment, every reaction feels like a grade, and no matter how hard you try, you walk away feeling like you failed another test.
For example: maybe you spend money on an expensive gift for your parents, only to get a quick comment before they move on. No matter what you do, it never feels like enough, and you leave exhausted and guilty.
4. Boundaries Feel Like Betrayal
You love your family. But loving them doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself. The lack of boundaries is what makes family gatherings so draining—because without them, you end up saying yes to everything, carrying everyone’s expectations, and leaving with nothing left for yourself.
For example: maybe you say no to staying the whole week and immediately hear, “Why don’t you want to spend time with us?” Or you skip a family event and get told you’re selfish or ungrateful. Those reactions make it feel like drawing the line is betrayal.
How to Protect Your Sanity This Holiday Season
Here are four small but powerful ways to take care of yourself this season:
1. Start with tiny boundaries. Even a simple “Let’s change the subject” counts.
For example: when your aunt brings up marriage (again), you can gently steer the conversation away without getting pulled into the same debate. This works because it gives you back a sense of choice in the moment, instead of feeling cornered.
2. Have an exit plan. Book a hotel, plan solo outings, or give yourself permission to leave early.
For example: you might decide ahead of time you’ll only stay two nights instead of the whole week. This works because you know your limits and can pace your energy, rather than waiting until you’re completely drained.
3. Stay grounded. Quietly notice your senses at the dinner table: the chair under you, the smell of food, the sound of voices. It helps keep you present.
For example: taking a slow breath while noticing the taste of your meal can help you stay calm instead of zoning out. This works because it brings your body out of “fight or flight” and back into the present.
4. Text a lifeline. A friend who gets it can make you feel less alone.
For example: sending a quick “It’s happening” text from the bathroom and getting a supportive reply back can remind you you’re not alone in this. This works because connection interrupts isolation—reminding you you don’t have to carry it alone.
This Isn’t Just About the Holidays—It’s About Your Good Asian Upbringing
Ok but what if you "tried" all this? You set boundaries, you left early, you texted a friend—and it still felt awful.
That’s because going home doesn’t just test your willpower.
It reactivates the very survival rules you were raised with—and that’s the real root of why it feels impossible to change.
These aren’t just habits you can shake off; they’re trauma responses built from cultural scripts about what it means to be a “Good Asian.”
The same rules that once kept you safe as a kid are the ones that make family gatherings so overwhelming now.
Keep the peace, no matter what
Perform to earn love
Don’t ask for help
Stay quiet to avoid conflict
These weren’t just family rules—they were cultural scripts about what it means to be a “Good Asian.”
They taught you that love had to be earned, that conflict was dangerous, and that asking for help made you weak.
Those lessons were really about survival in immigrant families who faced their own struggles. But for you now, as an adult, they’ve become trauma responses.
That’s why it doesn’t matter how much success you’ve had, how independent you are, or how many boundaries you promised yourself you’d hold—the moment you’re back in that house, the old trauma gets triggered.
Your body and mind slip into autopilot because those patterns once kept you safe.
Real change comes when you confront these patterns directly.
Therapy helps you do exactly that—by going beneath the surface strategies and working with the root causes.
Not by fighting your family, but by understanding that what feels overwhelming is actually unprocessed trauma. In therapy, you practice new ways of showing up, work through the guilt that comes after, and slowly re-train your body and mind to respond differently.
The outcome? Less anxiety, more confidence, and the ability to face family gatherings without losing yourself in the process.
If you’ve read this far and felt yourself nodding along—this is for you. Going home isn’t hard because you’re ungrateful.
It’s hard because you’re carrying unprocessed trauma and cultural scripts that were never meant to help you live fully.
If this speaks to you, I can help. My name is Alex Ly, and since 2019, I’ve been seeing clients just like you—high-achieving Asian Americans who feel stuck in old family patterns and want something different.
As an Asian American therapist and trauma therapist, here’s what our work looks like:
We practice saying no without apology, so you stop collapsing under guilt.
We notice where shame lives in your body and learn how to calm it, so family triggers don’t run the show.
We rehearse what boundaries sound like until they feel natural, so you can actually use them in the moment.
We connect the dots between your past and why you still feel stuck today, so you finally understand the “why” behind your reactions.
Over time, here’s what happens:
They lower their anxiety and feel more grounded
They gain clarity and start to trust themselves
They build healthier, more reciprocal relationships—with their parents, their partners, and themselves
If this is the cycle you’ve been stuck in, I’m the therapist who can help you break it. You don’t have to explain Asian family dynamics to me—I already understand them from the inside. And together, we’ll not only make holidays survivable, but help you build a life where you no longer perform just to feel loved.
About Alex Ly, Bay Area Therapist
Alex Ly is a dedicated Bay Area Therapist based in Fremont, specializing in providing compassionate support as an Asian American Therapist, Trauma Therapist, Anxiety Therapist, Self-Esteem Therapist, and certified Brainspotting Therapist. Licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, Alex offers both in-person therapy in Fremont and online therapy throughout California, making mental health support accessible to adults facing challenges such as perfectionism, self-criticism, and a sense of disconnection from themselves.
With a profound commitment to helping individuals rediscover and reconnect with their feelings, Alex employs a blend of therapeutic approaches tailored to address the nuances of each client's experience. Whether you're grappling with the impacts of trauma, navigating the complexities of anxiety, or seeking to enhance your self-esteem, Alex Ly provides a safe, understanding space to explore your journey towards healing and self-discovery.